Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill
percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got
into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the World
Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2
of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Fire escapes were invented to protect fire from Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He
got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals
and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
In the movie 'Titanic', Chuck Norris has a brief cameo as 'The Iceberg'.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It
simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says
its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the
producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
They're making a sequel to starring Chuck Norris. Its called 1
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck likes his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but
the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a
week as a result.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial
arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil
in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesn't swing around
and hit your head, his left foot spins the earth so that your head hits his foot.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris
banging your sister.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29
minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge
quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't
kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris can stare you down with his back turned.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck
Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid
enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
Chuck Norris once bowled a . Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is
actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be
handicapped if you park there.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the
water gets the fuck out of the way.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by
"sweaters", I mean "babies".
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico.
Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after
he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it
anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It
now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
When you celebrate your birthday, you do not celebrate the date of your birth, you celebrate
that Chuck Norris allowed you to live another year.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6
Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by
a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined
because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."