6.5.20
And just when you think you're almost out of the woods...
The public lynching of George Floyd and the resulting unconscionable
acts by police departments across the country have been weighing more
heavily on my mind than anything else lately. The things that police
officers are not only allowed but tacitly encouraged to do to black
people, people of color in general, protestors, members of the LGBT
community, etc, etc, make my stomach churn. Every day I see new videos
of so-called "law enforcement officers" committing atrocities against
people whose only crimes are being harmed, dehumanizied, and stripped of
agency. To call it shameful would be an affront to the concept of shame.
At some point the situation here really feels hopeless. I've been hit
with massive feelings of anhedonia and powerlessness in the face of
this. It just feels so pointless and unfulfilling to keep up with day to
day tasks when there is a war going on. I've been trying to keep up and
stay motivated, but even simple things like keeping up with this phlog
have been pushed to the wayside. All in all, I hope that some good comes
from the fighting and hard work the people are doing against this
state-sponsored terrorism. I pray for peace, but when there is no
justice, there can be no peace. I hope that some day people will look
back on this as part of a massive turning of the tides in a positive
way. But right now it's fucking horrifying.
I have had a lot of strange feelings regarding religion lately, and my
religious beliefs. I won't go into them here in depth, but suffice it to
say I occupy a very strange position, theologically speaking. I have met
very few people with whom I can relate on this level over the course of
my life, and I communicate with none of that small number, for unrelated
reasons. It's very alienating, and even moreso because people that I am
close to, people I do interact with, have lots of baggage related to
religious belief and (understandably) do not want to discuss it; at
least not in a positive way. I feel more alone when I think about this
topic than at any other time, I think, and especially now when it's been
something weighing heavier than usual on my mind. I wish I could find
some kind of community for people like myself, but I doubt such a thing
exists.
-Vx