FURY WITHIN
You know there's a year 2000 commemorative mug in my kitchen
cupboard that I bought for a few cents at an Op-Shop many years
ago, the handle is shaped as the number 2000 which is kind-of
clever. I never have hot drinks so I never use it, but every now
and then I glance at the smily-face-accompanied message on the side
while grabbing for a glass, and somehow a wish of "HAVE A NICE
MILLENNIUM" does a better job than it really should of putting
things into perspective.
Anyway, onto anger and rage. Sometimes I get very angry with
myself. Not in an altogether serious way, but just to vent
frustration with my own failings. I do have very high expectations
for myself, in fact perfection is what I really expect from myself.
But I don't really expect to achieve it, and sometimes I really
don't care when I fall well short of it. The anger is really
deliberate. I can nock something off a table and break it,
responding only with a "hmm" before I pick it up and begin repair,
or I can yell to myself that I'm a fucking half-witt who's the
stupidest thing to ever walk the fucking Earth and walk away
(clearly the latter approach is only really compatible with me
living and working alone and away from any close neighbours).
It's a choice, in the latter case I'm actually seeking out the
emotion of anger, and it's really a concious decision. Fact is that
I like sending myself on a little emotional rollercoaster every now
and again. Yesterday for example, I had quite a success with the
first task of the day, and was pleased with myself, but that lead
me to discover a minor mistake that only really reversed a decision
that I'd been unsure about anyway. In fact the mistake only
happened due to my uncertainty over the matter, and it really
didn't make much difference either way. Nevertheless I obsessed
over it, wasted hours trying and failing to rectify it, and got
truely furious with myself, ranting every insult of which I could
concieve towards every molecule in my body.
Sometimes I do succeed in fixing whatever problem I've caused
myself, other times I don't. Either way the outcome is the same,
which is actually a really nice evening (maybe even following
morning, though not so much this time). I'll usually take off my
clothes and watch a movie, or listen to music turned up loud (with
all my colurful sound-reactive gizmos lighting up the room), or go
for a run (I can get away with doing that naked out here at night,
at least down to a certain temperature), or anything really, I'll
just love it. It'll just be a great high, and I'll be more creative
too even though I haven't got very many outlets for that. Either
I'll write down (or just sit and imagine) some more ideas like the
few I've put up here, or just sit making up music to sing/humm to
myself and be a lot better at tunes and rhyming than usual (or
maybe I just think that - nobody else is ever there to comment on
it). I don't give a stuff at that point about what I messed up
before, or about anything else for that matter.
That's the sort of emotional rollercoaster that I just like to send
myself on really. Maybe the need is just a consequence of social
and/or sexual deprivation, or maybe it's what drives a lot of close
relationships apart once people stop being able to resist it (with
the anger usually being directed at the other person of course,
rather than the self). I don't know. Certainly I can only indulge
it in my way by myself, with other people around I'm restrained.
That's not ideal though because the block I put on it does go a
little too far. I never swear around other people, or really allow
myself to get visibly frustrated unless it's to make a point.
"Bottling it up" is the usual term.
That's definately how it was for me growing up, always around
others and always bottling it up, though at least without any
siblings to be crammed in with. Not that I was entirely
anti-social, I'm probably less sociable now simply through lack of
practice, but I think it was always more of putting on an act than
for most people, and I would only let it go so deep. Certainly I
don't think people at school really saw how much I hated it there,
most might have thought that I liked it, and I guess that was a
success of the act, even though not intentional. I did really want
to snap. I probably shouldn't be this honest, but I actually dreamt
a lot about a kid (no specific one, though male) attacking me with
a weapon so that I could justifyably injure or kill them in self
defence. I just wanted an excuse to unleash the fury, but there
wasn't one, so I just kept stewing until it eventually ended.
Actually the last two years were more than I could really take and
I was breaking towards the end, but just gradually rather than a
sudden snap, becomming more open to people but also more prone to
the ocasional burst of rage that thankfully never crossed too far
over the line.
I don't think my problem is a lack of control over my emotions,
rather it might be having too much control over them. There's a
common desire to feel strong emotion, and most people might just
rock back and forth along with it, letting it dictate their
character irrespective of reasoning, and probably never confronted
with this sort of self-analysis about it. For whatever reason I try
to control them most of the time. Not just anger, but if I want to
I can also often put myself into a more blissful sort of state
(without having previously got furious about something, that just
helps make it stronger) and loose some of my inhibitions (the funny
thing is that if I go too far with either then things are at risk
of getting broken around the house). Also my philosophy about
loving and hating everything simulataniously (I think I rambled
about this in my post "The Reason Whay I Hate you") really isn't so
much about finding logical reasons to love and hate things as much
as just switching the emotion that you associate with them. I don't
know if most people can do this conciously, though I'm sure they do
it to conform socially. Some apparantly need to use drugs that
induce the emotions that they want. I've never asked I suppose,
which isn't surprising given that I need this much text to explain
myslef, plus I don't really know anyone in a way that permits
asking such personal questions these days. I guess you, reader,
would be welcome to answer by Phlog or Email if you so wish.
- The Free Thinker